Wow It Was So Good Funnies to Piss Off a Hoe
Barry Badrinath: I wish it were winter so we could freeze it into ice blocks and skate on it and melt it in the spring time and drink it!
Barry Badrinath: I was in Thailand playing ping-pong in Ding Dang. I was in a real high stakes game in some opium den. Turns out the guys I was playing aren't the kind of guys who like to lose. After I beat 'em, they beat me. Worked me over pretty good. And this is hard to say... they held me down and shoved a ping-pong paddle up my ass. It's never been the same. Damaged goods.
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: Gosh, Barry, I'm so sorry. I don't know what I would do if someone shoved a paddle handle up my ass.
Barry Badrinath: It wasn't the handle. I've been shitting pancakes ever since.
Great Gam Gam: Mr. Badrinath... we are not so different, you and I. I've had all kinds of things shoved up my ass. I got over it. You will, too.
[puts a comforting hand on Barry's shoulder]
Great Gam Gam: You will, too.
Barry Badrinath: Back the fuck up, Antonio! My dick!... My apologies, now 5 dollars to touch it while I touch my toes, 6 dollars to touch it while I touch your... Hey Jan and Todd... and Fink? Hey looking good, Finky!
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: You too, Barry.
Great Gam Gam: I always sleep better with a little sausage in me.
Krista Krundle: [during sex] Landfill #2, you are twice the man Landfill #1 was!
Gunter: He stole it und now instead of Deutschland's greatest beer we merely have fourth best behind Steiner Marzen, Radeburger, und... und...
Rolf: Und Beck's?
Gunter: Und Beck's? Ja und Beck's!
Barry Badrinath: Why don't we get you out those wet clothes, and into a dry martini.
Barry Badrinath: Hey Todd. About the old girlfriend. Can we bury the hatchet, buddy?
Todd Wolfhouse: I don't know.
Barry Badrinath: I mean it was a one night stand, right? I mean she wasn't even that good looking. A real dead fish, right? She just laid there and took it like a plastic fuck doll.
Todd Wolfhouse: I happened to have MARRIED that plastic fuck doll!
Barry Badrinath: [breaking the fourth wall after he had a drunken night of sex with Cherry]
Barry Badrinath: [scoffs] Come on, I knew it the whole time!
Barry Badrinath: [after drinking Ram's piss] Oh man, that's the most disgusting thing I've ever drank.
Landfill: I doubt that very much, playboy
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: I'm gonna puke! Hey guys... I don't think sitting on a rooftop drinking ram's piss is the way to go. We should get out there, and mix it up with some randoms.
Barry Badrinath: Yeah.
Landfill: Let's get bombed!
[everyone cheers]
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: You know, I got an idea. I think it might work. I did this study in college: Finklestein's Theory on the Effects of Alcohol on the Medial Temporal Lobe.
Gil: English!
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: Drunken recall. I made people drink massive quantities of alcohol, and then I taught them things while they were blacked out. Now, in the morning, they had no recollection of it whatsoever. But when I got them drunk again, they remembered everything.
Barry Badrinath: [pretends to cough] Bullshit!
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: Oh, now you're coming after me? This is great. I got a cowboy on one side, an Indian on the other. It's like the Wild West, all right? I got it published.
Barry Badrinath: Where?
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: Maxim magazine, under the title "E Equals MC Hammered".
Otto: It was ze greatest beer in all ze vorld!
Jan Wolfhouse: So yeah, I heard you got fired from the brewery?
Landfill: [Landfill gets mad, throws his trophy] God damn brewery! You know that brewery makes 10,000 bottles of beer a day. I drink 45 of them, and I'm the asshole!
Barry Badrinath: [about Great Gam Gam] All I'm saying is... that whore thing could be a real possibility. Some of my best friends are whores.
Jan Wolfhouse: We know, Barry.
[after sinking dozens of quarters around the bar]
Barry Badrinath: [slightly slurred] I'm better when I'm drunk!
Cherry: I'm gonna break your dick off!
Gil: Let's get sour on some Krauts!
Gunter: [looking at a cuckoo clock, which originated in Bavaria] Za fuck is zat?
Barry Badrinath: [after breaking beer mug with a ping pong spike] What do you think about that, fuckhead?
Hammacher: [Takes a bite of glass from the broken mug] What do you think about that, headfuck?
Hammacher: It's time to scheisse, or get off ze crapper.
Great Gam Gam: [seeing Jan's black eye] What happened to you?
Jan Wolfhouse: Oh, I, uh, accidentally walked into a wall... the Berlin Wall...
[as Barry, Fink, Jan, Landfill, and Todd enter a house where dozens of teenagers are partying, the youngsters fall silent as they observe the five older men joining them]
Viking Master: Hey! Who ordered the Queer Eye makeover?
[the kids burst out laughing, but the older men simply smirk]
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: [Speaking at Landfill's funeral] Landfill could eat a ton, but he could also love a ton. He had this habit of swallowing his food whole. I called him "The Tiger Shark." I used to joke that if you cut open his belly, you would find a license plate and a tire and half of an 8-year-old boy. One time, he farted an entire plum. I was plum surprised. I always tried to tell him to chew his food better but... he never listened to me. But that was Landfill. He was a fat asshole. But, um, he was my fat asshole.
Landfill: Who's Barry Badrinath? Who's Barry Badrinath? Who's Barry Badrinath? Who's Barry Badrinath? Who's Barry Badrinath? Who's Barry Badrinath? Who's Barry Badrinath?
Todd Wolfhouse: This is that moment that only exists in sports - where the coach gives a speech on the jumbotrom to get the hometown fans fired up! We're the bad guys and they're the good guys, and I'll be damned if we let the good guys win!
Barry Badrinath: Uh, we're the good guys and they're the bad guys...
Barry Badrinath: [upon waking up after the first night of training, with blood all over his face, next to a deer with its throat ripped out] Oh no, not again!
Otto: [Refering to Fink] Ya it looks like his head is covered in pubic hair
[laughs]
Otto: but it's ok it works, ya, cause you've got a dickface.
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: I'll show you how to chug a beer, motherfucker, you fat fuckin' cow. L'Chaim!
[proceeds to drink a half-empty pitcher]
Landfill: Uh oh! I think somebody's trying to chug in my face!
Otto: [about Johan] He then fled to America with his mother, a common Bavarian... huh? What is the Englishword I'm looking for? WHORE!
Todd Wolfhouse: Gam Gam a whore? I think something must have been lost in the translation.
Otto: HOOKER! PROSTITUTE! SLUT FOR MONEY!
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: Come on, guys. I'm a respected member of the scientific community. I've been published in four journals.
Landfill: Which one? Toad Load Weekly?
Cherry: How many licks does it take to get to the center?
Jan Wolfhouse: And here's something else you forgot to factor in - we're not that drunk.
Pim Scutney: Did you hear that everybody? They said they're not that drunk! Cheeky bastards!
Crowd: [shouting along] They're not that drunk! They're not that drunk! They're not that drunk!
Otto: Yeah, you Americans, why don't you go back to strip malls und drink your Zimas and Smirnoff Ices!
Todd Wolfhouse: [after trying the beer] What's wrong?
Jan Wolfhouse: This means Great Gam Gam really was a whore.
Todd Wolfhouse: [thinks about it for a second, then runs off with his ears covererd] LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA...
Todd Wolfhouse: [to Germans during a beer pong match] Loser takes a paddle up the ass.
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: Oh that's rich! I've got a cowboy on one side and an Indian on the other! It's like the wild west!
Gil: Looks like we got the Brits in round 1. We already kicked their asses in WWII. Cheer-i-o, let's do it again!
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: Nathan Cornwell has just discovered Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. Big round of applause people, big round of applause.
Landfill: [mocking Fink with Popo] It's fwustwating, it's fwustwating.
Jan Wolfhouse: Where are you taking him?
[Two shots of a gun]
Otto: He is of no concern to you.
Wolfgang von Wolfhaus: It appears it is time to initiate Operation Recipe Retrieve.
[all cheer]
Gunter: Is that the title we all agreed on? I kind of like Operation Stein Grab.
Rolf: Or what about Brauheist 2006?
Gunter: Oh, that's a good one.
Rolf: Ja, it's kind of spunky.
Gunter: Ja, it's fun.
Otto: Despite your thievery, we are prepared to buy it from you right now... in cash.
[opens suitcase of euros]
Jan Wolfhouse: Big deal. A suitcase full of monopoly money.
Schlemmer: Come on, those are euros.
Landfill: What's that, like pesos?
Otto: That is legal European tender!
Rolf: I told you we should have brought Deutsch marks.
Gunter: But they are so hard to find!
Jan Wolfhouse: Double or nothing!
Wolfgang von Wolfhaus: On what, huh?
Jan Wolfhouse: The von Wolfhausen family recipe. You win, you get to keep it. We win, we get your brewery. Or should I say our brewery?
Wolfgang von Wolfhaus: But we already have the recipe!
[Wolfgang pulls out a disc given to him by Cherry, who laughs with the rest of the Germans]
Cherry: I got it off the nerd's computer. Hahahaha! You're fucked!
Rolf: Yeah, you're fucked.
[Fink bursts out laughing]
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: That's rich, Baron.
Wolfgang von Wolfhaus: What's so funny?
Steve "Fink" Finklestein: I didn't put that recipe on my computer. However, you are holding the recipe for a low-carb strawberry beer. We call it She-Wolf. It's okay.
Wolfgang von Wolfhaus: Strawberry?
[Wolfgang contemptuously turns toward Cherry and claps his hands]
Cherry: No, no, you know how you like strawberries, and you want me to lose weight, so that was the low carbs... Wait a minute, we like strawberries! Get your damn hands off! You're trying to see my panties! Goddamnit, put me down, please! Where are the Africans! Can the Africans come help me? Jesus!
[Gunshots are fired offscreen as Wolfgang's goons kill Cherry for bringing him the wrong recipe]
Inga: [from trailer] See you in the next round, boys. We are going to spank you!
[Inga's teammate slaps her behind with a paddle]
Todd Wolfhouse: Jim Tobleson said they called in a hostage negotiator
Landfill: Jim Tobleson's a fucking Chatty Cathy! I did my three years up at the county pen. Made some friends, went Muslim. Now I'm out, praise Allah.
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Source: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0486551/quotes/qt1147920
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